I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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