I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize