please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There's always time for handjobs
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
