I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
