Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
