Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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