I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize