I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
