i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
