I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
