I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
