I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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