chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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