for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
