Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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