my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
