Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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