We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
