i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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