i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize
