Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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