If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
