You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
