im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
