I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
