OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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