DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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