I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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