I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think my vagina is haunted
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
