My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
