i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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