theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
