I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There's even glitter on my cock...
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