we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
