If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
