it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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