I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
