I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
