She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
