Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
