I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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