Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
