he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
