I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
