it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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