just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
