1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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