It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
