Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
