dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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