my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was a blind-side dick pic.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
