Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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