she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
