My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
