I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
