God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Please don't give away my fajitas
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